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Post by Morguinness on Feb 19, 2009 18:57:58 GMT -5
As Morguinness rests by campfire, keeping a vigilant eye about him as he prepares his supper, he ponders how to begin the day's journal entry.
"A long long time ago..." no wait someone already did that, um. "It was the best of times, it was..." no. "You might be a redneck if..." my finger nails are getting long, I should clip them.
Tune in next week for more exciting journal entries. ;D
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 20, 2009 19:13:38 GMT -5
And now, a word from our sponsor: "If you haven't been reading Morguinness' War Journal, just see what you've been missing. Here are a few testimonials.
Adolf Hitler- "The Devil makes me read this as punishment for my sins."
Osama bin Laden- "Although not on par with a Hemingway or a Steinbeck, his style is adequate for an infidel."
Vince, (from Sham-Wow)- "Olympic divers actually use Morguinness War Journal as toilet paper. No other war journal can pick up this much crap, just look at the absorbancy."
Martha Stewart- "This is the perfect cure for insomnia. And, it goes with everything."
Disclaimer: The producers and parties associated with Morguinness' War Journal are not responsible for side effects of its misuse. Including but not limited to: vomiting, narcolepsy, cravings for cheese, instant and severe diarhea.
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Post by Tiradora on Feb 22, 2009 11:13:51 GMT -5
i wish you could come out to hang out more....
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 22, 2009 15:27:10 GMT -5
me too  |
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 22, 2009 16:07:04 GMT -5
In a small tavern that lies on a wooded and little used road, Morguinness rests in a corner table near the fire. Only the fire and a few intermitently placed candles provide light, but it is enough to see by. The others in the tavern are talking quietly in tables off to the side, or sitting at the bar. A few gypsy minstrels play a soft and melancholy song. From experience, Morguinness knows to sit facing the door. Anything and everything may come through it.
As Morguinness finishes his last sip from his mug, a group of drunken sorority Elves come crashing through the door. The Elves overwhelm the bar keep with demands of beer and nachos. A few gold coins are tossed in the direction of the minstrels along with chants for a more up-tempo song. Watching the spectacle unfold, Morguinness remembers the message on the sign outside the tavern door, "Karaoke night" it said. With this revelation in mind, Morguinness seizes the opportunity to encourage the sorority Elves to begin the wet chemise contest.
Tune in next time for more exciting War Journal entries. And remember kids, "drink your Ovaltine."
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Post by Swordbrother Nova on Feb 23, 2009 12:44:50 GMT -5
Nova took a mug of beer from the most attractive looking sorority elf and dumped it on her white top. Pleased.
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 23, 2009 19:14:16 GMT -5
"Hmm...well as long as I'm waiting for a signal from the Fellowship that it is time to rejoin the unit and fight the Orcs, I suppose I can answer some readership mail."
Dear Morguinness,
Instead of sleeping in the woods all of the time, why don't you find a house or something?
Sincerely,
Douche Baggins, (of the Shire)
"Well, Douche. One of those sorority Elves, was also a single mom looking for this week's boyfriend. I tried it for a few days, but being a rogue, privateer, adventurer playing that game just ain't my style. Thanks for your letter, I look forward to pillaging some of your gold soon."
Dear Morguinnes,
Let me ask you a question. In these tough economic times, how do you justify being a rogue privateer? You are really more of a scoundrel than you are any type of hero.
Salutations,
Theofrin, (Chief Financial Advisor of Rohan Securities)
"Let me ask YOU a question. How would you like to catch a broadsword with your face? The Steward of Gondor keeps saying about some kind of stimulus package, but I ain't got no coin in my purse. I gotts ta get mine, know what I'm sayin'. Let a playa play."
That's all for now boys and girls, tune in next time for more of Morguinness' War Journal.
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 24, 2009 18:47:42 GMT -5
Rivendale Life Books now proudly presents Morguinness' War Journal Greatest Hits. Read some of Morguinness' deepest thoughts as he ponders some our time's most troubling questions:
The ultimate costs of war?
"War man, yeah...it's like hard and stuff."
And that's not all, subscribe now with your local traveling merchant, and receive the bonus comedy entries. Just watch the hilarity jump off of the page.
"oh wait, this is so funny, this one time me and my friend went to this guy's house, knocked on the door and then ran away. That was hilarious. Well, I guess you had to be there, but it was really funny."
"No s**t, there I was, fighting this guy when this orphanage burst into flames. We just stood there and laughed, that was great."
So what are you waiting for? Just send 16 gold coins with a carrier pigeon to Rivendale Life Books and enjoy these timeless classics while quantities last.
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 25, 2009 18:47:06 GMT -5
Hey kids, be sure to ask your parents for the latest installment of Morguinness' War Journal. Inside each journal entry is a collectible action rock. Trade them with your friends, use them to battle evil villains in the action rock playset, or just throw them at windows. Tons of uses, hours of fun.
Also, you might just find a limited edition, autographed stick. Yes, a stick signed by Morguinness himself. And one lucky winner will get to meet Morguinness in person, give him food and shelter, and pay his debts at the local tavern.
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Post by Morguinness on Feb 26, 2009 18:46:22 GMT -5
Dear War Journal,
Some of my marketing ideas while out here in the wilderness haven't been working as well as I would have liked. For instance, the Morguinness brand Deer Piss Coffee just hasn't been selling well. Although, it does have serious market competition from the Orc Snot Morning Blend.
My Christmas toy ideas like Bag'O'Sticks, Bear Shit Catapult, and Flaming Spikes Slip and Slide didn't exactly fly off of the shelves.
And then there's the disapointing sex toy line. However, the pine cone butt plug is selling great with the dwarves.
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Post by Swordbrother Nova on Mar 1, 2009 23:43:13 GMT -5
I WANT ACTION ROCKS! And these toy ideas are fantastic!
I should have told Destinova that I got him a pine cone butt plug for his birthday....
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Post by Morguinness on Mar 3, 2009 19:03:57 GMT -5
pine cone butt plugs are the perfect anytime gift.
look for more great deals in my fliers in the Gondor Gazette or Rivendale Herald Tribune.
again, thank you for shoping with us.
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Post by Morguinness on Mar 3, 2009 19:31:43 GMT -5
Dear War Journal,
I'm thinking of adding a new legal division to Morguinness Enterprises Inc. The advertisement would look something like this:
"Have you been the victim of a horse stampede? Has your village been burned to the ground? Has your shop been pillaged by marauding bandits? Then contact Morguinness and Associates, we can get money for YOU. Just don't ask us how we did it.
Morguinness and Associates have been cutting through the red tape of the legal system for years, with many satisfied clients.
Don't be a victim any longer, contact Morguinness and Associates to claim the compensation that YOU deserve."
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Post by Morguinness on Mar 2, 2010 19:04:48 GMT -5
Dear War Journal,
It's been about a year since my last entry. Sorry I've been away for so long, but life happens. Anyway, I've been keeping myself busy with various enterprises that someone of my particular skills and character would be inclined to embark upon.
For instance, aside from being a rogue privateer, I'm also now a real-estate agent. I have properties listed all over the realm, but a few of my best deals are the following:
Mordor- located on the outskirts of Mount Doom, this spacious hovel boasts a panoramic view of the Great Black Gate, brand new dirt floor bespeckled with feces and bones for a blend of rustic and traditonal style, and is perfect for the discerning Ork who needs a touch of luxury combined with an easy commute.
The Shire- simple elegance meets functionality as you are whisked away to an underground cottage full of all the amenities that a pratical minded and furry footed person would need. Tree roots growing through walls are included at no additional cost.
Gondor- located in the "cultural district", this property enjoys the benefits of the night life that can only be had in a city that is constantly under siege. Come and watch the flaming projectiles hurtling toward the city from the comfort of the enclosed balcony.
Well, that's all for now, I'll be sure to write again soon.
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Post by Morguinness on Mar 6, 2010 13:59:24 GMT -5
Dear War Journal,
The other day my crew and I were helping a local merchant transport and store his gold to a more secure location. Unfortunately, the merchant became irrate when he learned what we were "helping" him to do. Apparently, he did not feel that our pockets were a safe enough storage location for his gold. It's all semantics really, and I tried to explain as much to him while dodging the staff that he was swinging at us. It's not like we weren't going to put the gold to good use. A room for the night, a stomach full of meat and ale, and some "friendly" company for the evening are exactly the type of charitible uses that the gold was meant for in the first place.
Until next time.
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